I've been feeling that way this week. Every roll of the eyes has felt like it might crush my soul. Every huff and puff at the most basic instruction has sucked the oxygen out of my air. Every stomped foot has rattled my foundations. The effort of speaking calmly and firmly has sucked the marrow right out of my bones.
I thought Bill Cosby was hilarious when he said, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" I'm not laughing today--I'm afraid they might take me out.
How does a mother quit? When they were preschoolers it was the thought of keeping them out of foster care that kept me going. Yesterday I came this close to taking them to the nearest school and dropping them off.
They know better. Why on earth have they been circling like wolves preying on the weakest in the herd?
Clearly I'm not up for this challenge. Can't do it. Ready to admit defeat.
I sit here sorting thoughts while my son is at gymnastics. Trying not to break into sobs and freak out the other coffee shop patrons.
Thoughts of Jesus' disciples begin filtering through my mind. Twelve awkward and uneducated men--outspoken, devious, doubting men--charged by the Son of God to go out and change the world. And they did. Clearly, He's not big on picking the qualified. Yet the impossible happens.
The Holy Spirit gave them power they did not have on their own.
He told us that His plans would not be accomplished by might or power, but by His spirit.
I'm all out of might and power. His Spirit is what I need.
I've told Him many times that I want to be like that tree planted by the water, whose roots go down deep. That tree that never fails to produce fruit regardless of drought and storm.
How does a tree get roots that go down deep?
Roots seek water.
I have need of more. More of His refreshing Spirit to empower me to do the impossible, to love without expecting anything in return, to be faithful in times of difficulty.
I have tasted and seen that He is good...which gave me an appetite for more. The only way to contain more is to be stretched. He's drawn me, called me, irresistibly into a place of wild obedience...stretching me...enlarging my capacity to carry His life and bear much fruit.
My roots are seeking more of Him. And finding.
But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.